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The best conversations are the ones where we feel OK about ourselves and
respect the other person: I’m OK, You’re OK.
Normally, we respond in one of three ways, as:
Parent, Adult or Child.
A parent response is seen as authoritarian or bossy –
the way parents think they should behave towards their children. This
often sets the other person off in a childish response:
An adult response considers the other person as an equal,
adult person.
Yes, I know you consider your teenagers are children, but if you start
treating them AS IF they are adults, they usually, eventually, start behaving
more responsibly.
In other words, if you want an adult outcome from your conversation, you
have to have an adult input. Practise using adult conversations, rather
than ‘parent’ ones.
These are examples of unhelpful conversations:
Already these two are in a script which could run and run:
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And, well you get the idea.
How else could the conversation have gone?
Now, an adult response treats your teenager as an equal..
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Sounds too idealistic? Not at all. There are lots of
homes where that conversation takes place.
Often they’ve had adult conversations since the children were young
teenagers, so they start off with a mutual trust. The kids are used to
being taken seriously. But you have to start somewhere, and keep reminding
yourself of how YOU prefer to be spoken to by other Adults.
And it’s not only conversation. You can gain this trust with the
way you look at someone, a smile, a pat on the head, or a touch on the
arm.
Everybody needs to know they are loved, and that they’re
respected. And if you respect them, they will – eventually –
respect you.
It’s also well-known that, if people don’t get these positive
strokes, as they are called, they will look for negative strokes. Like
the small children who are naughty precisely because they want attention.
If they can’t get positive strokes, they will try to get negative
ones, by misbehaving.
People need the social interaction which can be obtained by being with
other people. Beyond infancy, the need becomes known as recognition-hunger,
and is more popularly recognised as a desire to receive ‘strokes’.
These strokes can take various forms: with children, a hug or pat on the
head, a touch on the arm even can be sufficient. As we get older such
physical intimacy is more usually replaced by conversational strokes,
or even by the way others look at us.
You can find out more in ‘The Games People Play’,
by Eric Berne.
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Learn more about the risks – Understanding
the risks
Find out how to improve communications with your children – Getting
on their wavelength
Find out more about the drugs themselves – What
are these drugs? Basic info
Read more about the effects of drugs – What
are these drugs? The detail
Read more about what the law says – Drugs
and the Law
Find out how you can get help – Who
else can help?
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